“In a way, the business has only helped me in learning how to be a happy couple. It’s easy to say you don’t feel like having sex or you’re tired or whatever. I make a real effort. If Noel wants be intimate, I can change my mindset instead of just saying ‘tomorrow.’ ”
The experts don’t agree
Psychologists and relationship experts don’t buy the theory that cheating can save a marriage.
Researcher John Gottman, an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle, calls sites such as Biderman’s “destructive.”
“I don’t think he’s saving marriages at all. I think he’s ruining marriages,” Gottman says.
Sex educator Logan Levkoff of New York, author of How to Get Your Wife to Have Sex With You, agrees. “This deliberate betrayal is so disrespectful,” she says. “It’s the easy way out instead of doing the tough work to repair what’s making you unhappy in your sex life, in your relationship.
“This idea that you can sneak around and still have this wonderful life is really problematic. Where is the personal accountability? Where is the respect for your relationship? Not every couple is meant to stay together, but ideally you exit a relationship with the same respect as you entered into one.”
Many cheating websites industry tracker Brooks counts well over 30 promote the hush-hush nature of the business, which he says still doesn’t disguise the objective.
Brooks, of Sliema, on the island of Malta, is quick to disclose that he’s been a paid consultant for many online dating services, including those he calls “philanderer sites.”
“The philandering sites are specific to people who are wanting to be discreet,” Brooks says.
“As much as I abhor these sites, they do actually do something good for the industry. People can be who they are on the philanderer sites,” he says, rather than have married people claiming to be single, which happens on singles dating sites, he says.
Other adult dating sites may suggest they’re “discreet,” but Brooks says he draws the line between the cheating sites like Ashley Madison and others by the photos. Adult dating sites such as Lonely Cheating Wives, Affairs Club, Married and Lonely People, Married Date Link and Discreet Adventures, among others, are “risqu photographs, anything goes, sexual preferences disclosed.”
Biderman says it took five years to get the first million anonymous members, but the total who have ever registered and created a free profile is 12.6 million. Currently, just over 2.3 million are registered and considered active by logging in or taking an action within the past 30 days (97% who log in take an action, he says). Members pay to communicate, $49 for 100 credits. Credits are used to send an e-mail, to chat in real time, or to send a virtual “gift,” such as a rose, necklace or Champagne bottle. Biderman says.
About 70% of registered members are men, but Biderman says in certain cities, the percentage of women is higher, such as Rio de Janeiro (44%) and Houston (37%).
Biderman says all communication on his site is encrypted, but he can’t protect people who are sloppy with their devices.
Divorce attorney Kathryn Dickerson of Tysons Corner, Va., says websites can erase and delete all they want, but “they have no control over the cheating spouse’s computer.”
“It’s gotten so much harder to keep things secret,” Dickerson says, noting people who suspect a spouse of cheating can install devices that capture key strokes, do screen grabs, and keep a record without the user knowing.
Data from the online market research firm ComScore show that AshleyMadison.com had 557,000 unique visitors in December 2011, up from 487,000 in December 2010. But for most of 2011, ComScore shows its monthly unique visitors at 700,000 to 800,000. Biderman says those numbers are “greatly underreported” and his unique visitor count captured by Google Analytics for December was 8.6 million. He also says December traffic is lower because of family holiday obligations.
Brooks says he’s surprised that in 10 years, Biderman’s site hasn’t had a lot of direct competition. Part of it, he says, is that “people don’t like to start that kind of business.”
Ashley Madison’s image is “too sexy,” says Truchot, in a thick French accent.
“We are European and we’re trying to be more classy.”
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